With my eternal life, I will save you
by TheLunarSquad
Summary: A young onii-chan stolen by the Yakuza. . . A raging debate on the validity of Ereri being canon. . . Short letters depicting a debate between two very different people (p1 and p2). This debate occurs between two people on a third person's (Moose-chan) message board.
1. p1-Hearthstone battle royale

I see you are part of the yakuza. That means you must be eliminated. I have taken your onii-chan hostage, and watashi is holding him in the nearby alley. If you want his safe return, bring $11037 **(#SDR)** , and contact me at 4242-564(whenever you want to knock on Death's door) **(#Soul Eater)**. We shall decide his fate over a friendly game of Hearthstone. I will be using a midrange shaman deck. Be warned, my fighting prowess level far exceeds 9000 **(#DBZ)**.


	2. p2-Keikaku means plan

It is too late for you now. You are already a target, and they know your name and face. Prepare for your imminent demise...perhaps they shall be merciful and only subject you to the customary heart attack; however, the abilities of the **Death Note** are limitless and it is likely that they have several very unique and original keikakus* in store for you, keikakus* as fresh, unique, and original as every single **Nicholas Sparks** novel...gomenasai, for it is beyond my abilities to tasukete kimi any further than this bittersweet message... Your name will forever be etched in the yakuza hideout walls in remembrance...just remember, until your last, hacking breath, that EreRi will never be canon, never. Zenzen. 決して

* * *

*keikaku means plan


	3. p1-Don't become a tragedy

With my eternal life, I will save you. My life is yours. I pledge my faith in your oath to support EreRi.

I will prevent any potentially homosexual foot-drying scenes from occurring **(#Death Note)**. I don't care whether the sekai would kirai boku, because you are my bocchan.

Even if I must burn off my arm **(#Gilbert Nightray)** , or even die **(#Hide x 2)** for you, it would be with no regrets. Onegai, all I beg of you is to make my yume reality, make EreRi canon.

All you would need to do is find another yaoist, and cosplay as Eren and Levi, respectively. My raging fujoshi body is far too overwhelmed with femininity to make it canon by myself. I want to see it, feel it, and lick it. I would pull out my Canon 70DSLR camera and snap photos as I watched from my condominium.

If the vile **StarCraft** lover writes your name in the **Death Note** , I would just use my eraser to erase it. It is actually canon in the **Death Note** pilot.

That is why, I beg of you. Don't make our story be as shitty as season two of **Black Butler** , don't make us **Mekakushitty Actors**. Don't make this a tragedy. Don't become Kaneki Ken. Never become Kaneki Ken.

I pledge my existence to protecting Kaneki Ken **(#TG)** (and you).


	4. p2-People die when they are killed

I beg of you, do not join the ranks of those driveling, zombified ranks of blasphemous EreRi promoters. The pairing is nonsensical, and the pedophilia is evident. Also Levi is constipated ALL the time, and Eren is angry ALL the time, and everyone knows that angry + constipated = death. And people die when they are killed **(#F/SN)** -this much should be gleaned from the deeply existential, poignant, not at all cliché, totally not completely predictable message of **Death Note**.

Hoist your abundance of high-quality yaoi-phones and play sweet jazzy tunes for all to hear. Tunes that convey the message of anti-EreRiness, that counter the tsunamis of vermillion fujoshi nosebleeds that glide unceasingly from the nasal cavities of lonely shoujos every day. I believe in you, Moose-chan. you can do it. You can achieve the impossible.


	5. p1-Generic harem protagonist

Nandato?!

Brain children would be born every time Levi kicked Eren to protect him. Creating a brain child doesn't require being smart. Please, young bocchan, don't forget that this is real life, a simulated harem. YOU are the protagonist. Do you need to be smart? Handsome? Talented? Able to do anything? Of course not!

It doesn't matter how unattractive you are, you will have females fawning all over your generic face!

Eren screams and every scream creates a new child. Every look of constipation on Levi's face births another. Each and every one of those children are born with innate fujishi or fudanshi-ism. Each one multiplies, they perform mitosis. The number of yaoi-loving children will grow exponentially!

Just imagine this future. You are in your room; there is nothing there because the torrents of fujoshis/fudanshis took it all. But you can rest in peace knowing that EreRi IS canon.

In your honor I would even, personally, make your tombstone. Don't worry, you won't turn into a zombie or anything. This isn't Sunday Without God for kamisama's sake. You would be laid to rest beside other famous people who truly changed the world for the better. People like Albus Dumbledore (#Harry Potter) and Sasuke Uchiha (#Naruto).

In conclusion, we still need to play Hearthstone.


	6. p2-Rate of Birth (dRdt)

YOU'VE GOT THAT WRONG!

EreRi would not be a healthy relationship. Eren is much too young and naive and preoccupied with killing ALL TITANS + screaming into the sunset to make sound romantic decisions, anyways. Pedophilia is officially classified as undue attraction to prepubescent children no older than thirteen, Eren acts and screams like he's twelve so who cares. Also, Levi beat him up, which was pretty mean of him.

A million babies is physically impossible. The average life expectancy for males in japan is around 79, and 79 - 15 is 64, so that would be 15625000 a year, which translates into 42808.2191781 babies a day, or 29.7279299848 babies a minute. That's 0.49546549974 babies a second. which transcends all proven scientific facts about childbirth-births usually take around 14 hours each, and volleyball birthing is still quite slow at around 1 birth per 4.20 hours-Kageyama's speedy two-minute delivery was an anomaly **(#Wikasa)**. And Levi's, like, 30, so he'd have to give birth at an even faster rate. And they'd probably be killed by titans before birthing any substantial amount of offspring, anyways.

Regardless, you must have the COURAGE to beat those drooling armies of teenage girls with their creepy, disrespectful fetishes. Use your FISTS OF COURAGE to LITERALLY SHATTER THEIR EXISTENCES **(#Soul Eater)** , GO FORTH, VALIANT ALCES ALCES, DO NOT DISGRACE THE CAPREOLINAE NAME.

* * *

 **A/N: Wikasa, the beautiful is a well-written story featured on Ao3. Please read it, it is written by Alikenabel.**


	7. p1-Foolish memers

HERE'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED!

Don't believe what she says. Those foolish memers assumed that Eren would be the one giving birth. They were so pretentious and egotistical to FORCE Eren to be the uke; but, what if they could both be uke. That would allow them each to have one child a second. Also let's not forget that not all babies come out the ass/uterus.

When they aren't in labor, or frickle-frackling, they are having brain children together. That would greatly diminish the wear and tear on their honed bodies.

Also let us not forget Yui. Yui never came out of Asuna or Kirito **(#SAO)**. She was a computer program. However, she truly was their daughter.

It was cruel, insensitive, of those meming-shitfaces to not take into account adopted children, or pets. I still consider my deceased fish, Lucifer, my favorite brother, despite having three human brothers.

Just picture a beautiful world, where they could hold each other in rapturous embraces as they gently stroked the pristine pelvis of the other. Doesn't it make your kokoro doki-doki?

That is the rakuen that I yume of, a world of pure yaoi bliss.

Join a worthy cause, as we fight for a sekai no niwatori kire to herikoputaa.


	8. p2-Brain children and eyebrows

それは違うよ！！！！！！

Did that salty, un-dank baka even read my beautifully worded statements? I DID consider Levi as the uke, and it would still not be plausible for them to have a million babies together even if Levi joined in on the birthing (Levi is 34, 79-34 is 45, 45 + 64 is 109, 1 million/109 is 9174.31192661, that's 25.1351011688 a day, 12.5675505844 a day for each, which is STILL impossible. Also I must amend my previous calculations- if Eren birthed a million babies during his lifetime, that would be 15625 babies a year, aka 42.8082191781 babies a day, aka STILL IMPOSSIBLE) and this is not taking into account the time needed for basic needs, such as eating, sleeping, and killing titans.

Brain children would cause MENTAL wear and tear. Brain children can even cause the deterioration of neurons, and in extreme cases, death; therefore, making brain babies would not be a plausible alternative to the traditional route.

Also, I doubt that Eren and Levi have the capacity or the time to create a million computer programs in their lifetimes.

Surely, there isn't an efficient adoption system in this post-apocalypse, titan-ridden alternate universe, and the accrued pets and adopted children would surely die of neglect, since Eren and Levi must spend their time killing titans/screaming/angsting/cleaning, of course. Also, are there even a million children LEFT to adopt? The walls encompassed a tiny population in the first place, and then there were the titans.

Lucifer died of pregnancy **(#tumor)**. He is sorely missed. Rip.

Kids are brats, so it does not incite the doki-doki ing of kokoros. It implies even more screaming. Imagine how much screaming that would be. a million children + Eren = decibel levels strong as Erwin's eyebrows **(rip)** , strong enough to induce permanent hearing loss.


	9. p1-Rick Astley

OBJECTION!

Those lies and deceit flowing from their lips pay them no heed. My young bocchan, have I ever lie to you?

There is no such thing as pedophilia when it comes to TRUE love. Eren looks up to Levi like a kouhai to a senpai. The sultry and sweaty bond they share truly is the epitome of pure, innocent, love.

So what if they will have a million yaoi babies together? Isn't that just the beautiful circle of life **(#EmoKovu)**? Like how Kageyama and Hinata gave birth to a beautiful baby volleyball **(#Wikasa)**.

Even if you are alone, you should do what you know is right. Just put on your long, black, cloak and become the lone hero. If you are doing that, you might as well dub yourself Kirito and beat evildoers by STANDING STILL **(#SAO)**.

But truly you can do it. You can defeat the titans **(#SnK)** , you can destroy the vampires **(#OnS)**. You should never give up your dream. Say to yourself "I'm never gonna give it up, I'm never gonna give YOU up." **(#Rick)**

I rest my case.


End file.
